Dating Advice
by Lady Anatui
Summary: First part of my Hirota oneshot series. Kazu tries to give Kenta some bad advice when he learns that Kenta is going on his first real date.


_Well, I've never written any shounen-ai before but I love to read it, so I was very excited about this. This isn't really shounen-ai. It's like pre-shounen-ai. And I absolutely love Hirota--it's so flipping adorable._

_Oh, and Kenta may be a bit out of character half way through, but that's sort of talked about in the story so I feel no need to address it any further._

_Disclaimer: Digimon is so not mine. None of the sex euphemisms are mine either. I looked some up on the internet and I also asked my friends a bunch. However, the plot line is mine. So yeah! Just enjoy... if it's any good._

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**Dating Advice**

For a moment, the apartment was silent, which was probably due to the fact that Kazu and Kenta were not in the same room. Weird. They usually were—except when they were sleeping, of course. Rika would hit and mock them both if she were ever under the impression that they remained in the same room while sleeping. But, then again, she already hit and mocked them both quite frequently, which easily got on Kazu's nerves.

Kazu then seemed to notice the fact that his best friend was absent and had not, to Kazu's knowledge, left the apartment. It took him a while to decide to look for him, but, when he finally did, he found Kenta in the bathroom. "What are you doing in there, Chumley?" called Kazu as he knocked on the door impatiently. "You're taking too long!"

"Sorry," Kenta apologized without even thinking. "I'm hurrying."

Kazu heard a zipper and the sound of silk fabric running across itself. "What's going on in there?!" he asked more urgently. "Jeez, Chumley, you don't have to take forever," Kazu reprimanded.

"Sorry!" Typical Kenta, apologizing when he never even did anything wrong. He finally came out, decked in a suit and classy, slick shoes. "It's free no?"

His friend laughed. "I don't even need the bathroom. I was just wondering where you were." He glanced over Kenta warily and said, "Why are you dressed up like it's Friday and you're going out?"

"Because it _is_ Friday, and I _am_ going out."

"What? Without me?!" Kazu exclaimed in disbelief. "You can't just go without me! I'm your best friend."

"Kazu!" complained Kenta. "I can't take you with me. She'd never wanna go out with me again!"

"_She_?!" yelled Kazu, eyes completely wide. "You're going on a _date_ with a _girl_?!"

Hesitantly, "Yeah."

He didn't say anything for a while. Then, he shrugged. 'Eh, I guess it was bound to happen eventually."

Kenta's face contorted at that. "Y-you mean… you're all right with it?"

He shrugged again. "Hey, I go out with plenty of girls. It's not like it's anything new… well, it is for you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. In fact, I think I'll give you some advice."

"B-but, Kazu, you haven't been on a date in seven months."

"Charm doesn't go away if it isn't used," Kazu said, pushing away Kenta's statement like it didn't mean a thing.

Kenta didn't argue. Besides, Kazu was always right, wasn't he? "If you say so," he sighed in resignation. "What's the advice?"

"Well, what're you doing with her, Chumley?"

"Why do you need to know that?"

"How can I help you if I don't know what you're gonna do with her? I'm not psychic or anything."

"We're gonna go to dinner at that place Takato took Jeri to that one time."

"Don't do that!"

"What?"

"That's too fancy."

"But, Kazu, she likes fancy."

"You mean you wanna spend fifty dollars for her and fifty dollars for you, too?"

"I—no."

"Exactly. Besides, that's too old-fashioned. Take her to McDonalds."

Kenta's eyes went wide as saucers. "I can't do that!"

"Oh, come on! It's new and it's in the now. You'll never get anywhere with her if you take her to that rich-bitch place."

"Get anywhere?"

"Yeah, in the sack."

Kenta still didn't get it, so Kazu tried again.

"You know, taking a walk in the park."

No revelations on Kenta's part.

"Bashing the beaver?" Kazu suggested hopefully.

Nope.

"Yodeling in the valley."

Still nothing.

"Wallpapering the closet."

More confusion dawned on Kenta's face.

"Laying some pip."

Even more.

"Mixing the peanut butter."

Nada.

Kazu named off many more, including, "Parting the Red Sea," "Beating her with an ugly stick," "Dancing the matrimonial polka," "Playing doctor," "Drilling for oil," "Doing a lewd infusion," and "Parking the Bat Mobile in the Bat Cave," but to no avail. No sexual euphemisms would get through to Kenta. Either the boy was so innocent or so stupid that he didn't understand them.

"What are you talking about, Kazu?"

"I'm talking about you and her having a squeeze and squirt."

"What's that?"

"Carnal gymnastics," Kazu tried again in rising desperation. "Doing the horizontal hustle?" It was no longer a suggestion, but a plea for his low self-esteemed friend to understand. "Running the bases? Going like a rat up a drainpipe? Putting the Devil in Hell? Rubbing the mangos?"

He still didn't understand, though.

"Visiting the Netherlands?" he suggested almost feebly. "Schtupping her?" But, when nothing came of those either, exasperation ensued. "SEX!" he finally yelled in frustration.

At those words, Kenta was so shocked he didn't say anything for a while.

"Hey, Chumley," said Kazu more calmly and almost worriedly, "you all right?"

"I'm not gonna have sex with her," he said slowly.

"Why not?"

"Because I barely know her."

Kazu laughed. "That's a horrible reason."

"Besides, 'rubbing the mangos' doesn't sound completely heterosexual."

"Oh, come on, Kenta, like you know anything about being heterosexual."

"Just what are you insinuating, Kazu?!"

"If you're not going to score a goal you must be gay."

Kenta just groaned and turned to the apartment door. "Goodnight, Kazu," he called, and, after walking out of the room, he closed the door loudly behind him.

With a shrug, Kazu convinced himself he didn't care and took a step toward the fridge to find something good to eat. Yeah, like _that_ would happen. But, when he opened the refrigerator, he saw that Kenta had gone to the store. Without that boy, he would be completely and utterly lost.

-----

Kenta sighed regretfully. So far, the date had been a disaster. Dinner had been all right at first, but then she had kept on talking about all her previous boyfriends and, when he just nodded, she had snapped at him about how he should have been getting jealous. The girl, Tetuma Mina, had very easily noticed that his thoughts had been somewhere else, so he had quickly proposed going to see a movie at the theater to lighten the mood. She had agreed.

So here they were. In the dark theater. Watching some girly chick-flick she had chosen. And he was practically bored out of his mind. Mina was generally a nice person, but she was bit too… much. In fact, she reminded him of Kazu in a way. Weird, huh?

Just as he was about to get up to leave for a few minutes (with the lovely "I have to go to the bathroom" excuse), his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. Ah, an even better excuse—especially since it wasn't false. He apologized to Mina half-heartedly and left the dark movie theater.

"Moshi, moshi," he said into the phone after flipping it open.

A very familiar and annoying voice answered him immediately. "Hey, Chumley, how's dinner?"

"God, Kazu, what're you doing calling me now? I'm in the middle of a _date_."

"So?"

"You have no sense, do you?" he groaned in frustration.

"Hey, since when do you get to insult me?" Kazu seemed taken aback by his friend's dominance… but also intrigued.

"Since you started acting like an asshole."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, buddy. First of all, I have _always_ been an asshole. And, second of all, shouldn't you be back yet? Or are you trying to go up that drainpipe but can't because I'm distracting you?"

"Eww, Kazu, you're sick!"

"Damn, I guess not."

"We're watching a movie."

"Come back. I'm bored," whined Kazu over the phone.

"Why would I leave such a great date?"

There was silence for a moment. Then, "See?" Kazu finally said. "It's a crappy date, isn't it, Kenta? And don't you lie to me."

"Oh, shut up."

"You're growing a mouth there, Chumley. I'm proud of you."

Kenta rolled his eyes, even if Kazu couldn't see him. "I need to get going now, Kazu."

"Yeah, get in your car and drive back to me." Again with the whining.

"And leave her here? Without telling her? Gee, that's _really_ nice."

"Make up something. Or just ditch her."

Kenta hesitated. "I-I can't."

But, after he had hung up the phone, he found himself returning to his date, profusely apologizing to her, handing her enough money for a cab ride home, and he left without another word. And he drove home.

Kazu was sitting in a chair facing the door when Kenta got back half an hour later, and he was grinning at him like he knew he would come back. "Took you long enough, Chumley," he greeted him happily.

"How did you know I'd come back?"

"Well, you're pretty predictable, Kenta."

He sighed in frustration. "I don't know why I came back. I don't know why I even stand you."

"Because you love me, Chumley. What other reason do you need?"

"Yeah, right," Kenta replied sarcastically. "Why were you trying to sabotage my date, anyway?"

"Sabotage? Me? Never!"

"Liar."

"All right, fine, so maybe I did. And it worked. But only because you let it. You obviously didn't care about her, so it shouldn't matter. If you can't withstand me, you don't want the girl. It's just that simple."

"But you're my _best_ friend. If you want to talk, I'm here. If you want to goof around, I'm here. If you want to make fun of me, call me gay, and then whine at me to come back when I'm pissed off, I'm here. That's what friends are for."

"I thought you were mad at me."

"I'm _still_ mad at you, but you summoned me so I came. Period. End of story."

Kazu grinned.

A silence prevailed for several minutes.

"'Rubbing the mangos', huh?"

He laughed. "Yeah, exactly," Kazu replied, a wide smile stretched across his face.

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_Well, thanks for reading. Please leave me a review._

_Anatui_


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